top of page

Orgasm Control: A Kink for the Mainstream too

In this world of pandemic pressures and the Internet, information polls were conducted and in the top 10 biggest kinks was orgasm control. In the world of kink, we use orgasms as reward and punishment but also because you like to witness pleasure.

For many of my articles, I use the terms male and female to solely describe the genitals. In no way are the terms directly related to gender identity or expression. The term male is described as anyone with a penis regardless of your chosen identity. The term female is for those individuals that are the bearers of a vulva regardless of their expression of identity.

Orgasm control is not just for kink and can be used for a more satisfying sexual encounter as well as some personal benefits. There are a few types of orgasm control we use in the kink realm.

They are:

1. Orgasm Denial. Orgasm denial is based on the lead-up to orgasm. It is strictly a tease and plays scenario with no time limit as to when a person may come.

2. Tease and Denial. This is truly a form of orgasm control that is the basis for a few others. Where orgasm denial can happen anywhere inside or outside of the bedroom and there is no sexual touching, teasing, and denial are active in the build-up of the orgasm. A teasing denial is actively focusing on an erogenous zone and bringing the receiver to a peak before all sensation is suddenly stopped and denial is achieved. There is no actual orgasm produced.

3. Forced Orgasms. Forced orgasm is essentially a repeated orgasm. The focus of forced orgasm is to maintain peak orgasm repeatedly without a pause to come down. Forced orgasm involves a bit of discomfort in the receiver but can provide a euphoric response after completion.

4. Ruined Orgasms. A ruined orgasm can take the form of ejaculating without the pleasure component. Two ways of performing this on a male are prostate massage or removing stimulus just after the peak. In females, you can often achieve a ruined orgasm by bringing them to the tipping point by changing the amount of stimulus or the rhythm they are receiving. Ruined orgasms can also involve a dry orgasm too.

5. Post O Stimulus. This form of orgasm control happens to focus on reward and punishment. If you have an orgasm, you will be punished by overstimulating the genitals without a commitment to another orgasm.

Orgasm control is about mastering edging. So, what is edging? It's not a new or trendy form of sexual play for better orgasms, it's about half is a century-old form of sexual medicine introduced by James H. Semans. He created the ‘stop start’ method to help people last longer before orgasm. Essentially this technique means stopping sexual stimulation before orgasm and waiting 30 seconds before continuing stimulation and then repeating. Edging can be thought of as the marathon of orgasms. There are extra benefits to edging as they can make you more aware of your own sexual responses bringing mindfulness into your sexual play.

Edging play also focuses on the orgasm model and your knowledge of the four stages to create effective orgasm control you first must master edging in yourself, and your partner, control, and body knowledge is key.

The four stages of the orgasm model are:

1. Excitement. You'll notice your skin flushing your muscles getting tense and even your heartbeat speeds up. Blood starts to flow to the penis, clitoris, and vagina.

2. Plateau. Everything that has been happening gets a little more intense, you feel yourself drawing closer and closer to orgasm. This is the stage we focus on in orgasm control.

3. Orgasm. Is a series of muscle nerve responses that happen to result in a feeling of ecstasy. Increased lubrication in the vagina and ejaculation from the penis. In orgasm control, this is not the stage you are focused on.

4. Resolution. After orgasm, our body calms down and things return to normal. It is often the cuddle and bonding time couples long for.

There are many studies that have been done that support the exploration of orgasms through self-play and kink play with a partner. The studies conclude that masturbation and exploring lead to more satisfying sex. Knowing your own body before getting to know a partner is invaluable.

Let's look at the stop-and-go method of edging to start our journey in orgasm control. Remember to explore your body and feel comfortable in it. The most basic steps to edging are these:

1. Make your environment comfortable. This is your routine stage it could involve turning the lights down, locking doors, and shooing the cat outside. It's also about creating a space where you feel safe. So put the music on and light the candles to enjoy the moment.

2. Get in a physical mood. Close your eyes and push all the thoughts of your day aside. Start with soft caresses down your body until your genitals react.

3. Start self-pleasure. This is the most obvious step, and you can start touching your penis or clitoris.

4. Stopping stimulus when orgasm approaches. This is the hardest and most frustrating step in the whole process as sometimes the pleasure feels too good. It's OK if you don't make it past the stage when starting this exercise.

5. Restarting the physical mood. Close your eyes and go back to the place you started. Put thoughts of pressure and failure in this exercise behind you end start your erotic journey again.

6. Start self-pleasure again. Repeat steps one to three until you are ready to conclude this session.

7. Let it all go. Allow yourself the full feeling of your orgasm. Let it linger. Let your body shake and tense. Allow yourself the moment to just feel with no expectation. Paying attention to the feelings both physical and mental you have created in yourself.

So, what are the benefits of orgasm control? There are many benefits studies and scientists have found. Human sexuality is still in its infancy of exploration, so the true benefits are somewhat hidden.

1. Orgasm control can help people achieve orgasm more easily and help with premature ejaculation.

2. Orgasm control can help reduce feelings of embarrassment and self-confidence by building body awareness. In 2006 a study found that 3/4 of females have sexual dysfunction but felt too embarrassed to talk about it with the doctor. In addition to the embarrassment, they felt there was no time, interest, or anyone trained to discuss sex.

3. Orgasm control removes the focus of penetrative sex and turns the sexual experience back to the root of pleasure Did you know that most women will never experience a penetrative orgasm? A study done in 2018 confirmed that only about 18% of women orgasm with penetration. Learning to control orgasms without the expectation of sex can increase pleasure and put the connection back to your partner and yourself.

One major component of orgasm control you need to be mindfully aware of is becoming conditioned two need this form of sexual play to achieve orgasm. Like anything we do in life remember moderation is key. Also, with orgasm control remember consent from your partner is mandatory and never implied no matter your power dynamic.

At the end of the day orgasm control is a fun innovative concept the kink community knows how to capitalize on, and I want to bring it to the mainstream. The benefits that orgasm control produces far outweigh the few negatives. In understanding an activity, you can take the perceptions and mystery away from the taboo. Remember every healthy relationship whether with yourself or a partner should involve healthy well informed sexual desires. It's OK to love yourself too.

Recent Posts

See All


bottom of page