Boy B and I were driving home from dinner with another female dominant and her partner when I decided to ask the boy a question. The question was, “What does a container for playtime look like to you?” I think boy B was a little unsure of his thought on this. Yet at dinner, he perked right up when this other beautiful lady was talking about how she and her partner put their dynamic into containers to allow it to thrive alongside their everyday lives.
This is not a new concept to my lifestyle or myself however I learned the concept years ago as good triggers. A good trigger can initiate playtime on many different levels and in many different ways. A trigger can look like a submissive retrieving their collar and presenting it to you, for example, which is a common trigger that I had used in the past. In my life, I was lucky enough to find my first live-in boy who was responsive very much to the visual protocol. However, boy B is not receptive to asking for attention that way and we have tried several things including scheduling or planning playtime around his unusual work schedule. Trying to plan a d/s play scene didn't always work for me. I also found that boy B’s sexual desire seemed to decrease. I was struggling with how to adapt to a new person in my space and satisfy my own sexual appetite. This whole conversation on this point reminded me just how vital communication and fluid communication in our relationship is, not only important but mandatory thing for longevity.
It was in this conversation with boy B that I learned the trigger I set for him was not something he was interested in. His biggest turn-on in our situation is that I take pleasure from him as I want and not from him asking for it. It was also a highlight of this conversation to fully understand that boy’s responses to requests for playtime through other very visual cues like me wearing my red boots or a sexy outfit and getting his attention, is key to him pausing life to play. Boy B seems to like the direction and has started being more attentive along with filling my need for a visual cue and has in recent days adapted to cuddling up to me while he is on the floor putting his head in my lap or surrounding me in the biggest bear hug cuddle for five minutes as we lay down to sleep for the night. Those small connections express his wanting my touch and increase my own sexual desire. I myself thrive on physical touch and need it to feel whole.
During the course of this conversation, we also talked about things that were put into a contract that involved my love of impact play and how his choice of words sometimes took weight away from my need for this form of BDSM play. I don't think boy B intentionally tried to take the wind from my sails but, the end result is why I felt very limited in playing out our scenes and my desire started to wain. Boy B didn't intentionally set out for this to happen, but it just goes to show that you should highlight and expect communication around your dynamic to happen frequently. That there should be no harm or consequences to ever speaking about what you need to thrive.
Sometimes it just means you need to pose a question and be open for any and all responses. Sometimes it means negotiating or redoing terms within your dynamic. Thankfully I have a boy around that continues to grow as much as he changes my own perspective on elements in my life just by being his unique self. There are days among days of laughter and randomness that highlight why my everyday life is better and my d/s expectations both personal and professional evolve with such and man in my life. I value that he pushes boundaries yet is ever supportive in any and all things me.
To thrive in this lifestyle and to grow and love who you are and yet to become we have to look back on the lessons and wisdom we sometimes push to the side. Communication, expectations, and even consent is ever-changing and fluid. As fluid as the moods and feelings that come in waves over the day. We can’t expect our life to be static, or moods to carry no weight, and our time with other people not to have an impact on who we are and who we become. My sincere hope is that I have a positive impact on people and leave those that come into my life leave in a better place than how I found them. Maybe this seems to be a high expectation but maybe more people should strive for it.
At the end of the day, we take nothing with us but the name we went through life with. No truer words have ever been spoken to me and this has resonated with me more than anything else. So, this is how I enter into relationships, friends, or love, how will they remember me? How will they speak of me? What was my gift to this world? What is my legacy? Deep words but ones that have an impact on almost everything I do. I’m not perfect, not in the least. I’m imperfect and I value the lessons that people put in front of me as I value the people in my life. Keep the simple lessons close to your heart and remember to talk and talk often to those that mean the most to you.
The simple act of having dinner with a kindred soul and a drive home with my boy has given me a fresh look into how I might better evolve. Better excel at and enjoy all that boy B brings into my life. Always ask that question.